Monthly Archives: February 2010
Spring training is finally underway and as the 2009 National League champs round up for a chance to make history with their third straight World Series in 2010, one man has taken a historic step back.
About 10,000 years back.
Despite rumors the missing link, manbearpig or even sasquatch had shown up it Clearwater, it soon became clear it was All-Star right fielder Jayson Werth sporting and All-Star make over.
Flossin’ a gargantuan beard and straggly prehistoric locks not seen since Medusa, it looks like Werth is the front runner to be the new savior an almost definite resurrected “wolf pack.”
Perhaps closer Brad Lidge put it best comparing Werth as a mix between “Jesus Christ and the Gieco Caveman.”
Werth isn’t the first Phil to throw a wretch in the theory of evolution between man and beast but it may be the closest science ever gets to solving the mystery.
In the meantime we’ll attempt to slash through the top ten reasons Werth is boycotting the sanitation laws of society.
10. With the World Series landing smack dab on Halloween, Werth is protesting working on holidays by wearing his Charles Mansion costume year round.
9. He’s tired of answering the million dollar question, did Grizzly Adams really have a beard?
8. When Hamels blows up in the sixth inning he’ll have plenty of snacks stored away in his face pouch for those long lonely innings in outfield.
7. It’s better to get a ground rule double in that beard than a homer over the short porch in right.
6. In 2010 he’ll knock off the Yankees in the World Series. In 2014 it’s Shaun White in the half pipe.
5. Why does Derek Jeter get all the Gillette commercials?
4. He promised Chuck Manuel that for every pound the skipper sheds in fat he’ll will grow it in hair.
3. If Cole Hamels mane and Brad Lidges goatee can’t get the job done then gosh darnet Werth will just do it all.
2. While stowed away in his bomb shelter over New Years, he realized Y2K was last decade.
1. In case he doesn’t get a major contract at the end of the season, his broker tipped him off that hair will be worth more than gold when the economy crashes again.
Whatever the reason for his transformation Werth has been silent about the new look, perhaps when the Phillies talk contract extensions he’ll speak up.
Until then we can only hope he has another championship nestled away somewhere in that hairy abyss and inmate Lenny Dykstra can only hope Werth has a shank hidden away in there for his prison break.